How-to-Manage-Angry-Hostile-Elderly-Parents

How to Manage Angry, Hostile Elderly Parents

By Michelle Blessing

Changes in physical and mental functioning can lead to feelings of frustration, hostility and anger. Your parents may not have an appropriate outlet for their feelings and begin taking those emotions out on you.

Approximately 41 percent of Americans care for an elderly parent, according to a USA Today Gallup Poll. Eight percent of those have parents living in the home with them, and the AARP estimates still another 34 million people care for an elderly parent on a part-time basis.

1. Provide your parents with patience and understanding. Elderly parents, particularly those approaching the end of their life, can be lonely and fearful. They might be sick or have watched friends and loved ones die. Demonstrating care and concern towards your parents can go a long way to quelling hostility and anger.

2. Spend time talking to your parents every day to assess their physical and mental well-being. Assure your parents you want to help and be receptive to their needs. Many elderly parents do not want to burden their child, so they may not tell you about illnesses, financial stresses or mental and physical pain they are feeling.

3. Help your parents get involved in activities outside the home, if they are physically able to do so. Senior action centers, bridge or book clubs and senior volunteering are all wonderful ways to get your parents involved. Boredom and loneliness can lead to frustration, which is usually taken out on loved ones and close friends. These activities are an attempt to avert those feelings and bring about positive change.

4. Consider an adopt-a-grandparent program to help provide your parents with an outlet for feelings and energy. This can be especially helpful if you do not have children yourself or you and your children live away and do not see your parents very often. Teenagers and young adults spend time each week with an elderly person by talking, playing cards or going for walks.

5. Look into out-of-home care, if your elderly parents become unmanageable or do not seem to make any progress towards positive thinking using Steps 1 through 4. An elderly community could be helpful for your parents to rediscover relationships and a sense of purpose.

6. Take time for yourself to relax and recoup. Dealing with a difficult parent can be challenging, so taking care of yourself is important. The better you feel, the better you will be able to deal with your elderly parents.

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Quotes

"I have flashes of anger. I'm tired of being angry. I fear my son will hate me."

Joe

"I began to lose my temper every few months or so. When it happened I would think that, despite being angry, I was calm and talking rationally. But I was actually getting enraged without realising."

Florence Terry

"I began to lose my temper every few months or so. When it happened I would think that, despite being angry, I was calm and talking rationally."

Florence

"I just felt like I was getting angry at the slightest thing that anybody did, so much so that it was causing problems in my marriage."

Rosa

"There is satisfaction in getting things down on paper - seeing my anger not in damage, not in a form that was hurting anyone."

Haruhi

"When you control your anger, it can't control you."

Archie

"One minute I’d be talking with a raised voice, and the next my limbs were doing things I didn’t want them to."

Florence

"My anger blinds me. Every time I get angry I think in an irrational manner."

Anonymous

"It seems like it is impossible for me to control my gaming anger. Frankly, I turn into an animal."

Angy

"But when i get angry enough, i really lash out. I throw stuff. I punch walls. I call others foul names. I hate it. I can't stand it."

Phil

"It is like anger is controling our relationship."

Sydney

"Just every little thing sets me off, even things that ultimately don't matter."

Charlie

"Do not let your anger lead to hatred, as you will hurt yourself more than you would the other."

Stephen

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

Mark Twain

"I want to learn the trigger behind my anger. Understand my emotions better before acting on them."

Jake

"I've got a bad temper, short fuse, we fight constantly. I want to be a better person."

Rick

"I want to go to anger management classes and share all my angry stories with other angry people."

Anonymous

"I normally control my anger well unless I am surprised and feel like the blame is unjustified."

Matt

"If you hate people for a long time you will acquire more and more of their qualities simply because you think about them all the time."

Anonymous

"What helped me most was understanding what is it that ultimately makes me happy."

Anonymous

"Take good care of your mind, this is where happiness lives."

Anonymous

"Trying to find a solution to stop the anger is foolishness because anger is a result. The result cannot be changed. It is the cause which one needs to change."

Anonymous

"Use your body to help the mind and use your mind to help the body."

Mary

"Anger is the worst weakness of all. You should be sympathetic towards the person who becomes angry and understand that he does not have any control in this matter."

Rose

"People use anger as a form of protection. In ignorance (ignorance of one's real Self), one's protection is through anger."

Josephine

"If you truly understand how your mind works you'll understand everyone around you, anywhere in the world, at any time."

Jean

"People are more fearful of those who do not get angry as opposed to those who do. Why is that so? It is because one develops inner strength when anger ceases. This is the law of nature."

Anonymous

"You can control your anger, and you have a responsibility to do so… It can feel intimidating, but it can be energising too."

Isabel Clarke

"Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But managing anger can be a problem for many people who find it difficult to keep their anger under control."

Isabel Clarke

"Mommy's angry, and she has a right to be this way. She doesn't like what I did, but she still likes me and thinks I'm capable enough to help clean up after myself"

Hypothetical baby

"We find going into a rage is often harder on us than the child. It leaves us feeling drained."

Kristine

"I believe every mum should get the help they need. Because you don’t want your child to grow up negatively affected by your mental health issues"

Alexa

"Mike works all day ... long, hard hours. He has a successful business and works hard to keep a good relationship with his clients and employees. But 10 minutes with Annie, his four-year-old, and he becomes a rage-a-holic."

Karen

"Suddenly lightning hits, and he's screaming at her and stomping around the house. He's in a rage … slamming doors, you name it … He can’t control himself"

Karen

"Anger shrinks intimacy and keeps children at an emotional distance. It can take over your home and destroy the parent-child relationship"

Dr Goldstein

"The first time I hit my husband was about 14 years ago. I was cross with him and lost my temper. He was upset and I felt dreadful, and cried and apologised. I felt scared and ashamed, but I thought it was a one-off"

Florence

"After losing my temper I’d be in tears and apologise, but also had to say, ‘I can’t tell you it won’t happen again because I know it will’. I knew I was out of control."

Florence

"He said my outbursts weren’t a big issue, but I felt it was completely unacceptable. I felt ashamed, and didn’t talk to anyone about what was going on. It was a secret. I felt like a hypocrite. Everybody thought I was a sweet, calm person"

Florence

"One person in five has ended a relationship because of the way the other person dealt with anger"

Celia

More Send us your Quotes

Tips & Hints

Take a timeout
Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing...
Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit. Try some "new and improved" variations of counting to ten. For instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number.
More
Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying an...
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
More
Breath in, breath out
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calmin...
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga moves — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
More
Don't hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself ...
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.
More
Find a safe spot
Yelling at friends or family members, slamming doors, and breaking crockery doesn't solve any problem and frequently escalates angry si...
Yelling at friends or family members, slamming doors, and breaking crockery doesn't solve any problem and frequently escalates angry situations between people. Yet, sometimes you just need to vent. Finding a safe spot to act out your anger can relieve the majority of your stress, calming you enough to solve the real problem at hand. Go to a basement room and scream your head off! Take an empty jar to your basement and break it, (remember to sweep up when you're done). Stomp on a few aluminum cans. Throw a tennis ball at the garage wall. Buy a punching bag.
More

Take someone with you

Sometimes it is helpful to take someone else with you when you visit your therapist or doctor. The other person can remind you of quest...

Seek counsel

Therapy may be a good idea if stress leaves you feeling overwhelmed or trapped, if you worry excessively, or if you have trouble carryi...

Counting 10

Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing...

Tune in to your feelings

Note what makes you angry and why. Don't settle for pat explanations like "It's not fair." Ask yourself why you feel it's not fair, wha...

Turn on the self-control

Step back and think when you begin to feel angry.. Take a minute to define what's making you angry and what you can do to solve the pro...

Practice damage control

Choose the solution that gives you the most benefit with the least damage....

Resolve unfinished business

If your anger turns out to be more to do with the past than the present, then consider at length how to address that before, or as well...

Violence doesn't solve anything

No matter how angry you are, never resort to physical violence to deal with it. It's a natural reaction to want to take your anger out ...

Talk it out

Anger that's held inside doesn't go away on its own; sometimes the best way to deal with anger is to talk it out....

Walk away

If there is a person or situation that makes you angry, simply stay away from them. If they've made you angry before, there's a good ch...

Share your feeling with someone you trust

Do not start with the person you are angry with, as that will only create a vicious cycle of unmet expectations and increase the frustr...

Use any form of art to express yourself

Dance, sing, play a musical instrument, draw, and sculpture, write…...

Find an engaging hobby

Hobbies keep us busy and focused. Find something that will keep your mind off the things you are unhappy about....

Do any form of sport you like

Getting your energy up will flood your body with good, healing chemicals that will ease your anxiety....

Meditate

It brings lots of creativity into our life. There is much bliss in meditation. There are moments in meditation that are simply divine. ...

Learn ‘thought stopping’

This is useful when you continue to go over and over a particular episode that caused you to feel angry. Consciously stop yourself thin...

Change your thinking

Thoughts such as ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘must’, ‘have to’ are not realistic and are not helpful. You put a lot of burden on...

Don't trust your judgment when angry

Anger magnifies and amplifies only the negative aspects of an issue, distorting realistic appraisal....

Focus on improving and repairing rather than blaming

It's hard to stay angry without blaming and it's harder to blame when focused on repairing and improving....

Looking deeply

If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you will accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger an...

Stay Calm

People are caught in their suffering as if they are caught in a house on fire. When you understand the source of your suffering it can ...

Take Care

If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material co...

Your mind is like a fertile field

Everything we see, hear, and feel, plants a seed in our store consciousness. When the conditions are ripe the seeds germinate. If we pl...

Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the ...

Stick with "I" statments

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectf...

Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse....

Acceptance

Accept that you do not always have to be right. Learn acceptance of yourself and others....

Once you are calm, express your anger

As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs ...

Exercise

Reduce your general stress levels with exercise and relaxation. This in turn should help you control your anger when you need to....

Look after yourself

Make time to relax regularly, and ensure your body is healthy and balanced. Get enough sleep and avoid drugs and alcohol because they a...

Get creative

Writing, making music, dancing or painting can release tension and help reduce feelings of anger....

Talk about it

Discussing your feelings with a friend, particularly one who isn’t involved in any anger situations, can be useful, and can help you ...

Look at the way you think

“Try to let go of any unhelpful ways of thinking,” says Isabel. “Thoughts such as ‘It’s not fair,’ or ‘People like that s...

Recognise your anger signs

Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in y...

Keep your perspective

Every person has an anger button. Some parents are so anger prone that when they explode the family dog hides. Divide your children's "...

More Tips & Hints