Addiction - ALCOHOL - When-Family-Members-Protect-Alcoholics

When Family Members Protect Alcoholics

When Family Members Protect Alcoholics

By Erika Krull, MSED, LMHP

In families with alcoholism, emotions and priorities can get very mixed up — and not just by the alcoholic. Spouses, kids, parents, and extended family members can also get emotionally entangled with the alcoholic’s situation. Everyone has expectations and needs to be met, and in many cases the alcoholic falls short. When everyone gets accustomed to living with an intense emotional situation, feelings start taking on way too much importance.

The Problems

Family members:

Don’t want to lose their relationship with the alcoholic. Some family members don’t put pressure on an alcoholic because they don’t want to be abandoned. They would rather keep that person in their life instead of possibly losing them altogether. Rather than talk about alcohol rehab or tell the alcoholic their true feelings about the problem, they play it safe and avoid the truth.

It is understandable that others may want to stay connected to the alcoholic. But the family member makes their choice because of what they want to keep, not because of what might be better for the alcoholic.

Don’t want to rock the boat. Going against the grain in an alcoholic family could make someone a hot target. If one person tries to speak the truth about an alcoholic and put up boundaries, that person quickly can become the black sheep. Family members often will air out the truth-teller’s dirty laundry; whatever positive standing they might have within the family could be knocked down. Rumors and negativity may even spread beyond the family group. If that’s the price for helping an alcoholic family member, why would anyone do it? It takes courage to stand up to an entire family, and many people aren’t sure they have it.
Don’t want to be isolated. It’s bad enough that a person giving tough love to an alcoholic family member may get harassed — the breach of family rules may be enough to cause relatives’ rejection. When your alcoholic cousin Jimmy asks for money and you refuse him, you make a wise decision. But you also risk your overprotective grandma putting a black mark against your name. In her eyes, you did something wrong, not Jimmy.

Grandma also may influence other family members to isolate you. If you feel this potential isolation and loneliness is too much for you to bear, you may decide to give in to Jimmy’s money requests to stay connected to the family.

Don’t see the harm in protecting and rescuing the alcoholic. Some people may truly believe they are helping their loved one by rescuing them. Family members hate to see the alcoholic so upset about his or her circumstances. They give money, shelter, food, or whatever the alcoholic might need at the moment. It may make the family feel better that the alcoholic isn’t suffering as much because of their help. However, it’s the suffering that can make an alcoholic realize how much he or she needs to turn his or her life around.

The Solutions

Family members should:

Give compassion and keep firm boundaries. Setting boundaries has nothing to do with being mean. Having compassion does not mean lacking backbone. You can say “no” with a gentle look in your eyes and with a caring tone of voice. You can say “I love you, and because of that I won’t be giving you money right now.” You can tell an alcoholic that when he or she is clean and sober, you would love to have a visit.
Present clear choices and hold to them. It’s one thing to give ultimatums and choices to an alcoholic relative. Holding your ground is much harder. When you tell someone you won’t be giving them any more money or a place to stay, you need to hold to that line 100 percent. If you give in just one time, you will undermine your entire strategy. Alcoholics need to feel the full amount of stress for their troubles just like everyone else. If they are bailed out all the time, they don’t face the full responsibility of their lifestyle. When they have to fall and stumble on their own, they have a better chance of seeing why they really need to change.
Provide information about good rehab options and addiction resources. By now, it may seem like there isn’t really much you can do to help an alcoholic relative. Thankfully, that isn’t true. An alcoholic really needs good information about alcohol treatment and support groups in the area. You can find lots of information online, in the phone book, and in newspapers. Gather your information and write down a few good choices. Hand it to the alcoholic you intend to help and tell them how much you care when you do it. Do not be surprised if the person scoffs at the idea of alcohol rehab, gets mad at you, or gives you an excuse. He or she may reject what you have to say publicly, but look at the list in private.
Be prepared to lose the relationship. Your alcoholic relative may be very upset with your firm boundaries and alcohol rehab information. He or she may say “I “hate you,” “you don’t really love me,” or “I want nothing to do with you.” It’s also possible that the alcoholic may act on these words and stick to them for some time. That can be a painful thought for many people trying to help alcoholic relatives. The thing families fear most after anxious months or years of no contact is hearing that their loved one died.

It takes a lot of guts to keep a firm, loving boundary, give information, or even set up an intervention. Talk to a rehab counselor or AA support group leader to get support and guidance. You never know how the alcoholic in your family will respond to your rational but caring approach.

Offering Help to an Alcoholic

The Mayo Clinic has a comprehensive webpage describing alcohol dependence and what generally can be expected from alcohol treatment. The Alanon/Alateen website also has good information about their support groups for family members and friends of alcoholics. Also, contact a local alcohol treatment center in your area to understand how you can truly help an alcoholic family member.

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Back

The Have I Got A Problem website is a free online resource to help people better understand any issues or concerns they may have about mental health or addiction. The website includes resources specifically focused to; general Mental Health, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, Insecurities, Self-harm Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Anger Management, Eating Disorders, Coping, general Addiction, Alcohol, Smoking, Gambling, Drugs, Cocaine, Heroin, Marijuana (Cannabis) Ecstasy, PCP, Mephedrone, Ketamine & Crystal Meth.

The site was created to give the public information to help them understand mental health and addiction issues and to assist people in making better informed decisions about their life and personal choices.

www.haveigotaproblem.com was created and is run by 'Advising Communities’, which is a UK registered charity (Charity No. 1061055)

Quotes

"I know we’ve got problems, but it’s hard to cut back because all of our friends drink."

Gary

"I tried to blame everyone and everything I knew for my drinking; the death of my child, the ex-husbands, etc. Everyone was responsible for my drinking except me."

Jean

"When I was thirteen, friends would make fun of me if I didn’t have a drink. I just gave in because it was easier to join the crowd"

Samantha

"I woke up on the weekends needing a cup of coffee in one hand and a beer in the other."

Nick

"Because I’m an alcoholic I can’t go to the pub and have three pints then go home, when I drink I drink untill I pass out."

Mike

"You need to realize that the little voice in your head telling you to use is your own."

Maya

"I gave up hope of ever becoming sober. I decided to drink myself to death. It didn't work. Now I am left no choice but facing my problems."

Jean

"It was as if there was a hole inside me, which two or three drinks filled quite nicely."

Jane

"I couldn’t wait to get home and get something to drink. It was the only relief I could get from myself."

George

"For so many years it seemed like such a struggle; suddenly, it isn't a struggle any more."

H.L.

"My life was chaotic. I hardly ate. I wasn't interested in anything except drink."

Suzanne

"When I went to school I made new friends. These new friends liked to drink and stay out at night, so I did the same."

Anonymous

"I am embarrassed about the volume of alcohol I consume, I drink every day and I drink a lot…"

Olivia

"I had friends that didn't drink that way. I didn't want to drink that way, I didn't want to be that way."

Peggy

"I came into recovery because I got tired of losing all the time. I lost my first set of children and turned around was about to lose my second set. But even that's not the reason why I came into recovery."

Theresa

"When I was drinking I would use alcohol to avoid the things I didn't want to deal with or accept. I would wallow in the past with my memories and my bottle or I would fantasize about a future I could never realize unless I let go of the alcohol completely"

Marion

"I was a completely different person when I drank. Trouble brewed wherever I appeared. Yes, some times were fun and I behaved, but majority of the time I was terrible. I did things I would have never done sober."

Jeanette

"I got married at 21 and we drank and fought together. We were together three years and after the marriage ended I really went wild. Drinking became even more important to me and a whole string of relationships followed."

Nancy

"I drank to get drunk from the start. I was a blackout drinker from the start. I never knew if it would take two drinks or 20 to get me to the place I wanted to be. That place was anyplace else."

Gwen

"I lay in the ER from a atempted overdose, that I didn't succeed at doing. I had tried it three times in the past two years. I had to find peace, serenity, happiness. That day was Easter Sunday. I knew I had to go back to AA."

Madeleine

"I was in complete denial of what alcohol was doing to the chemical make up of my body."

Mark

"In May of 2006, I rushed to the emergency room because my hands, arms, feet and legs cramped so bad that I couldn't move them and my face was tingling. I was dehydrated and malnourished. My body was trying to tell me something and I was forced to listen."

Christy

"After a bout of depression at university, I started drinking to relieve anxiety and help me sleep. The quantity quickly escalated and by the time I was 24, I was drinking every day."

Tina

"My children were young when I was active in my addiction. I don’t believe they understood what was going on, though my husband worked to be honest with them. He told them I was sick and would become well."

Deborah

"It was sort of scary at first, but I was certain I was not the only one who needed to approach recovery in a unconventional way."

Deborah

"Along with perceived risk, your teen’s alcohol use can be predicted by the expectation that one will feel a certain way when they drink."

drugfree.org

"The genetic factors that contribute to the full range of alcohol consumption versus alcohol dependence in humans are distinct.”"

Dr Boris Tabakoff

"It reached a stage where I couldn't sleep without a drink, but I couldn't get out of bed without one either"

Steve

"When my wife decided she couldn't live with me anymore, and subsequently left - that was when I knew I had to do something."

Nigel

"Drinking is so ingrained in our culture that to refrain from it may be seen as a denial of that culture or an admission that we cannot conform to what is socially acceptable."

Norm Cohen

"Self-control is key when it comes to drinking"

Norm Cohen

"Enabling is “removing the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behavior.”"

Darlene Lancer, JD

"You may have to weigh the consequences of experiencing short-term pain vs. long-term misery,"

Darlene Lancer, JD

"Always have a Plan B to cope with addicts’ unreliability; otherwise, you end up feeling like a victim."

Darlene Lancer, JD

"When I look in the mirror, I can say I actually like this person; I had to deal with all my emotions and stuff. Before my emotions were in a bottle."

Debra

"I woke up one morning after a heavy night out to find I'd wet the bed, and the babe I'd pulled the night before was missing"

James

"After about five hours of drinking, I vaguely remember a taxi journey home. I also remember falling on my face. Yes, face. Not hands, or knees but face."

Cheezie

"Whichever approach you take, it is important to understand that the family dynamic in drug and alcohol addiction is incredibly powerful"

Steven Gifford

"The goal is to find what works now, and to educate yourself about all the options available"

Mark S Gold, MD

"Many kids have internalized a dangerous and false message: “Unless you are at a large gathering of friends drinking, you are a loser.”"

Roger

"I like to drink. You could even say I’m a heavy drinker. Does that mean I’m an alcoholic?"

Anonymous

"After all, they didn’t know about the college “accidents” that sent me to the hospital emergency room with severe ankle sprains (from falling while drunk) or the night that friends thought I was having a heart attack after a bad combination of alcohol and"

Beth

"If I were more responsible, I would stop waking up in strange places with strange people, or so I told myself."

Beth

"I realized with a sudden force that every time I got into trouble, alcohol was involved"

Beth

"It's just too easy to look at life as a half-empty glass… especially when you've been drinking"

Philip

"There is no law stating that alcohol is a necessary ingredient for holiday cheer"

Drew Edwards

"I’ve seen hundreds of families in this very situation and their dilemma is always the same: they all want to influence their child to get on a better path"

Dr Michael Pantalon

"Occasional intoxication is not a symptom of a disease; it is a choice"

Kenneth

"I lost my job and I lost my family. But the bottle was always there for me"

Ryan

"We knew we were enabling him - but what else is a parent to do?"

Barbara

"I landed back in my suburban city, however, anything but free. I was a 23-year-old, full-blown alcoholic with a lot to show for my school career but little recollection of how I got it."

Beth

"After university, most people stopped going out drinking four times a week. But I was still young, and I wanted to have fun, and I thought I could handle it"

Derek

"I can stop drinking whenever I like. I just don't see the need."

Fred

"Things were great before we had kids. But I’m worried. We’ve had some bad fights. And I can’t seem to reach him anymore. Every night he drinks a few beers and just sits in front of the TV."

Sharon

"We just got home from a party. We had a few drinks and a great time. Now we’re bickering again over nothing!"

Sharon

"We went out for a romantic dinner and shared a bottle of wine. We were relaxed and felt close. Then we went to a club and had a few more. Now she’s losing control again and flirting with a stranger. Why does this keep happening? Does she really love me?"

Gary

"Many parents make the mistake of waiting until the child has begun drinking, but if you listen and respond to your child sensitively, you may be able to help prevent problems from developing later."

Mark S Gold, MD

"Two of the more traumatic things I went through were growing up with an alcoholic parent and my parents’ divorce. I tried to stuff the void I experienced with drugs and alcohol"

Alice

"I never even considered the idea that I might become an alcoholic or drug addict, and I swore to myself that I would never end up like my father"

Alice

"I wanted to fit in and feel better about myself. The fact that I gave in to peer pressure is no surprise."

Alice

"Drinking and college go together like “love and marriage”—right? Wrong!"

Rita

"In families with alcoholism, emotions and priorities can get very mixed up — and not just by the alcoholic."

Erika

"I've been an alcoholic for 2 years in my life untill I found the strength to recover, it took a couple of tries and quite some support from friends, but I did it."

Anonymous

"I realized that, through no fault of my own, but rather a strong inherited predisposition, I could not drink alcohol the way other people could. I could not stop once I started, so I knew then that I would have to not drink at all-for life."

Richard

"I felt trapped, lost, and broken. I was walking through hell everyday but I was dragging the people who care right behind me."

Becca

"I’m very insecure as a result of my dad's drinking. And because my dad let me down so many times, I feel like I can’t rely on anyone. I hate the way that alcohol is seen as cool and glamorous."

Charlotte

"For ten years I was a functioning alcoholic. Because I was constantly topping up, I never had withdrawal symptoms, but my health began to suffer. I regret putting my family through this but I feel optimistic about the future."

Loris

"Although they were initially shocked and disappointed when I told them, friends and family have been incredibly supportive."

Jenny

"One bottle of wine a night turned into two, then three, and when I set up my own business working from home it gave me carte blanche to drink all day."

Karen

"Video games were a very important factor in my recovery. They helped take my mind off drinking. Keeping active is key."

Jason

"I stopped drinking 13 years ago after a shock when I thought I had dropped my baby girl over the side of a fishing trawler in a blackout."

Jill

"I feel SO VERY guilty and shameful that I got drunk when I as 17 weeks pregnant. This is by far the worse thing I have ever done."

Lanice

"Smoking kills half of all lifetime smokers."

Dr. Alex Bobak

More Send us your Quotes

Tips & Hints

Ask for support
Tell friends and family that you’re trying to cut down on alcohol - they might be more supportive than you think. But beware, some pe...
Tell friends and family that you’re trying to cut down on alcohol - they might be more supportive than you think. But beware, some people don’t like to have their drinking behaviour challenged, so be prepared to defend your decision by remembering the benefits that cutting down on alcohol brings.
More
Keep track of the alcohol units you’re drinking
The government advises that people should not regularly drink more than the daily unit guidelines of 3-4 units of alcohol for men (equi...
The government advises that people should not regularly drink more than the daily unit guidelines of 3-4 units of alcohol for men (equivalent to a pint and a half of 4% beer) and 2-3 units of alcohol for women (equivalent to a 175 ml glass of wine). ‘Regularly’ means drinking every day or most days of the week.
More
Avoid visiting bars and clubs with bars
Instead resort to amusement such as recreational areas, movies, sports events and family events where alcohol isn’t present. That inc...
Instead resort to amusement such as recreational areas, movies, sports events and family events where alcohol isn’t present. That includes going to parties that serve alcohol without a family member or friend to support their choice to abstain from drink. If the alcoholic feels bound by duty to attend a party or gathering, then he should be accompanied by a trusted other who will remain with them all the way through the celebration and be prepared to halt them from consuming alcohol.
More
Develop an alcohol-free daily routine
Wake up earlier, include some exercise into the daily schedule, the potential is endless. Keep in mind that to stop drinking is to make...
Wake up earlier, include some exercise into the daily schedule, the potential is endless. Keep in mind that to stop drinking is to make a clean start on its own.
More
Spend as little time alone as possible
For single people this can be a tall order. If you can’t surround yourself with people, get out more and help yourself to generate a ...
For single people this can be a tall order. If you can’t surround yourself with people, get out more and help yourself to generate a fresh perspective on life.
More

Be determined

If you are addicted to alcohol, you must admit it and then be determined to seek professional intervention. The detoxification and reco...

Stay optimistic

During the alcohol addiction treatment, you can feel depressed and initially all your attempts at abstinence can fail miserably. Keep a...

Find a support group

It is easy to share your feelings, during your path of recovery to people involved in the same kind of experience as you. A support gro...

Stay away from bars

It is important to avoid visiting bars with friends and colleagues which may lead you to drink alcohol, before your realize it, althoug...

Find a hobby

Many people indulge in drinking alcohol since they are bored and have no activity to engage in. Finding a new leisure time activity or ...

Try meditation

Meditate or practice yoga and explore your spiritual side, while you enrol yourself in alcohol detoxification programs. Meditation can ...

Exercise

Exercising can increase the levels of endorphins or feel good hormones in your body that make you feel happy. How about trying jogging,...

Indulge in sports

Revive your interest in some kind of sport that you enjoyed earlier and spend more time playing it with friends and family....

Hypnosis

Considered an excellent alcohol addiction treatment, hypnotherapy can allow you to remove an affinity to alcohol. This complimentary tr...

Recognize there is a Problem

The first thing that you need to realize is that an alcohol addiction is extremely dangerous. Alcoholism is considered by many experts ...

Drinking water

The body needs water at the cellular level to function. Detoxing from alcohol is very taxing on the body's functions, and on the immune...

Know your "no"

You're likely to be offered a drink at times when you don't want one. Have a polite, convincing "no, thanks" ready. The faster you can ...

Plan to handle urges

When you cannot avoid a trigger and an urge hits, consider these options: Remind yourself of your reasons for changing (it can help to ...

Get Rid of All Your Alcohol

Go through your cabinets and throw away every single bottle of alcohol. If you have a spouse or roommate who drinks alcohol, kindly ask...

Use Visualization Techniques

Visualize yourself and how it will be when you've completely kicked the alcohol habit. Visualization is very powerful in instilling int...

Do Not Skip Meals

Perhaps the most important tip to quit drinking is to NEVER skip a meal, as that simply opens the door to alcohol abuse. Not only does ...

Be Powerful

Do NOT talk, think or act as if you are powerless before your addiction. Alcohol is powerless before you, and not vice versa. Remember,...

Don’t guilt trip yourself whenever you are unsuccessful

Getting upset with yourself for any temporary drawback will be non productive, and will make people more prone to not quit. Should you ...

Limit the amount of money you have on you and leave your credit card at home

Take a certain amount of money with you if you go out and hold yourself to that amount. Once it is spent, call it a day or night and si...

Help Other People

You can also help yourself to quit drinking alcohol by helping other people do the same thing. The battle against alcohol cravings is n...

Create an alcohol free day-to-day schedule

Get up earlier, include some physical exercise into the daily schedule, the potential is countless. After all, to stop drinking alcohol...

Treat Other Illnesses

Alcohol May seem to be “quick” answer to relief of stress, anxiety, depression, or other mental health problems. However, the effec...

Drink Slowly

Only take a few sips of your drink at the time. Do not drink multiple drinks in an hour. Your body absorbs alcohol more than 90 minutes...

Resist the pressure to drink

At social events, it isn’t rude to refuse an alcoholic drink or substitute it with a soft option....

12 Step Programs

Alcoholics Anonymous isn’t for everybody. In some places there will be a strong emphasis on using religion to conquer your addiction,...

Ask yourself:

Of all the time, energy and tears I have invested in trying to make them stop drinking, what has been successful? If the answer is “n...

Rock Bottom

Don’t wait for your loved one to hit rock bottom before attempting to fix their problem. Rock bottom might be jail or intensive care,...

Relationships

Is alcohol ruining your relationship? Or is the influence of alcohol bringing relationship issues to the fore? Consider getting help, ...

Enabling

Enabling is defined as “removing the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behaviour”. This basically involves anything ...

How to stop enabling

Leave evidence of the alcoholic’s destructive behaviour - don’t clean up vomit or wash their soiled bedding, because they caused th...

Start with drinking a soda or other non alcoholic drinks

If you start by drinking a soda instead of drinking an alcoholic drink first, you will reduce the chance of you getting drunk quickly. ...

Just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen

You still have to take responsibility for the things your Evil Twin did last night. Another good reason to avoid blackouts. Hemmingway...

Keep good friends, and listen to their advice

There are many people who can stop you from making bad decisions. Listen to them and try to look at yourself from outside....

Why do I drink?

For many people, the triggers that make them start drinking are pretty clear. Learn what situations, ideas or feelings make you want to...

Decide whether your goal is abstinence, or controlled or social drinking

Only you can decide on what your achievable goal will be. If you really believe you can cut down, then set days and times when you can ...

Do not set unachievable goals

When setting goals, don’t be too hard on yourself. It's about knowing and accepting yourself. For example, if you’re not a person w...

Tell your story to yourself

Some people find it helpful to pretend that they are listening to a friend talking about their own situation. Imagine what advice you w...

What do you associate with NOT drinking?

You may have to put yourself in situations where you do not drink. For example, some people go for a walk, go somewhere with the childr...

Learn to say “NO”

One big factor in alcoholism is peer pressure. Learn to say “NO” also to your friends because you prioritize your health rather tha...

Don't do anything you don't feel ready to do

If going to the beach is a time when you drank a lot. Don't go this year. If going to a certain friend's home for dinner is a time when...

More Tips & Hints

When Family Members Protect Alcoholics

Downloads

Web Resources

Quotes

Tips & Hints

Ask for support

Keep track of the alcohol units you’re drinking

Avoid visiting bars and clubs with bars

Develop an alcohol-free daily routine

Spend as little time alone as possible

Be determined

Stay optimistic

Find a support group

Stay away from bars

Find a hobby

Try meditation

Exercise

Indulge in sports

Hypnosis

Recognize there is a Problem

Drinking water

Know your "no"

Plan to handle urges

Get Rid of All Your Alcohol

Use Visualization Techniques

Do Not Skip Meals

Be Powerful

Don’t guilt trip yourself whenever you are unsuccessful

Limit the amount of money you have on you and leave your credit card at home

Help Other People

Create an alcohol free day-to-day schedule

Treat Other Illnesses

Drink Slowly

Resist the pressure to drink

12 Step Programs

Ask yourself:

Rock Bottom

Relationships

Enabling

How to stop enabling

Start with drinking a soda or other non alcoholic drinks

Just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen

Keep good friends, and listen to their advice

Why do I drink?

Decide whether your goal is abstinence, or controlled or social drinking

Do not set unachievable goals

Tell your story to yourself

What do you associate with NOT drinking?

Learn to say “NO”

Don't do anything you don't feel ready to do

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