Controlling Parental Anger – Part 3
Controlling Parental Anger – Part 3
Words Hurt
Words can wound our children deeper than a slap at times. Many of the seemingly harmless words that so easily pop out of our mouths like "Why can't you be more like your sister?" can cause severe emotional injury and chip away at a child's self-esteem. The words parents use form the basis of a child's sense of self. Words are like a mirror reflecting back to our children vital information about who they are and what they will become.
It's easy to verbally harm our children in subtle ways, often in the mistaken belief that we are doing what is best to teach them to behave. Most children are resilient and can handle an occasional hurtful comment from their parents. The more we are aware of potentially harmful statements, the more likely we will be to find other ways to influence our children. If you find that you habitually use the 10 red-flag statements described below and can't stop yourself, you should seek help from a professional counselor or join an organization such as Parents Anonymous.
A group of mental-health professionals and a group of parents were asked what parental verbalizations, if any, they considered so potentially harmful to a child's self-worth that the words should never be used. Although the two groups did not regard parental nagging, shouting or criticizing to be serious problems, they were in remarkable agreement about what parents should not say to their children. Here are the results.
Name-Calling
"Dummy" … "You're a bad boy" … "What a klutz" -- all of these are harmful!
Harmful: Parents' words are like word of God to a child. If you label a child as a "jerk," "brat" or "baby," he is likely to believe it's true. Since negative labels assault a child's personality rather than a specific behavior, his self-esteem will be diminished. Labels tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies. The child who is told she is "clumsy" might avoid dancing or playing sports. The child labeled "shy" may seek to avoid contact with peers and adults.
Helpful:Direct your child's attention to a particular behavior that needs changing, e.g., "This room is getting messy!" "The paper and pencils you left on the floor need to be picked up now."
Rejection
"I wish you were never born" … "Nobody could love you."
Harmful: Rejection means you state a strong dislike or a desire to separate from your child. To a child, being unloved by the person who brought you into the world means you really must be unlovable. What children need more than anything else from their parents is to feel that they are loved unconditionally, i.e., that they are loved for who they are rather than for what they do or fail to do.
Helpful: On a daily basis, openly communicate your affection for your child with both verbal ("I love you") and physical (hugs, pats on the shoulder) expressions
Negativity
"You'll never amount to anything" … "You're going to be locked up on jail someday."
Harmful: Children tend to live up--or down--to what we believe about them. A minister once visited a prison to speak to a large group of inmates. He asked how many of them were told when they were children that they would end up in jail. The minister was shocked when almost everyone present raised their hand. Parents need to believe in their children and predict a good future for them.
Helpful: "You're going through some hard times right now, but I want you to know that I'll never give up on you."
Scapegoating
"You made me lose my temper" … "You're the reason your mother and I are getting a divorce" … "Your brother would never do that. You must have done it."
Harmful: Scapegoating means blaming a child for the actions of others. Children are a convenient and easy target to fault for the troubles of other family members. If our children are to learn to take responsibility for their actions, we must set an example of being personally accountable for our mistakes and weaknesses.
Helpful: If you lose your temper, as soon as you cool down, apologize to your child by saying something like, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm feeling very tired today and I need to work harder on controlling my temper."
Perfectionism
"How come you only came in second?" … "You only got a 97 on your exam? What happened to the other three points?"
Harmful: Perfectionist parents push or pressure their kids to be the best soccer player and/or get straight A's in school. The message behind the demand is, "You're not good enough the way you are." To hold children to unrealistic expectations only leads to their loss of self-confidence.
Helpful: To accentuate the positive, you might say things like, "Nice work on getting so many A's on your report card," or "You really ran a good race. You started strong and finished with a burst of speed."
Comparing
"Why can't you be more like your sister?" … "When I was your age, I used to walk three miles to school."
Harmful: When you inform your child that he isn't as well behaved or high achieving as his sister, you sow the seeds to resentment and bitter rivalry between your children. Children should not feel in competition with other family members because one will inevitably feel devalued and inferior to the others. Even positive comparisons can backfire. When you say, "You're better at tennis than your brother," you instill competitive feelings and discord among siblings.
Helpful: Rather than saying, "You're much better at pitching than your brother was at your age," say, "Over the past year, your control has improved a great deal when you pitch."
Shaming
"You should be ashamed of yourself-- you're acting like a baby!" … "I can't believe you're afraid of a little kitten."
Harmful: In shaming, a child is made to feel defective and inadequate about a mistake or misdeed. Shaming demoralizes a child rather than empowering her to change. Some parents publicly humiliate a child by pointing out a child's weaknesses, e.g., bed-wetting, to others. Shame tends to lead to a compelling urge to hide or withdraw from the source of shame.
Helpful: Rather than saying, "You're too old to cry," say, "Sometimes it's hard to share. Next time we'll put your special toys away."
Cursing
"Go to hell!" … "Goddamn you!"
Harmful: There are few things more devastating to a child than to be verbally attacked by a parent in an obscene or profane manner. Children depend almost entirely on their parents' reactions to know whether they are good or bad, smart or dumb, loved or unlovable. They are very vulnerable emotionally. A child is likely to internalize her parent's hostility and conclude the worst about herself.
Helpful: In lieu of an expletive, give an assertive statement that tells your child what she did wrong and why it is unacceptable, e.g., "When you leave the kitchen table a mess, it means more work for someone else. The table needs to be cleared off now and wiped clean."
Threats
"If you don't get over here right now, I'll drive off and leave you here." … "If you do that again, I'll have the police take you away."
Harmful: A threat is an exaggerated statement of impending harm that parents use to intimidate or terrorize a child, e.g., "I'll break every bone in your body if you don't behave." Threats create a climate of fear and make a child feel that he is living in an unsafe and hostile world. A threat of abandonment is particularly traumatic to children, since they are so vulnerable and dependent on their parents for basic survival needs.
Helpful: Children should receive warnings not threats. A warning is a realistic "if-then" statement of what will happen to a child if he continues to misbehave, e.g., "If you try to pinch your sister again, you'll have to go to time-out."
Guilt Trips
"How could you do that after all I've done for you?" … "You'll be the death of me yet!"
Harmful: Children who are made to feel guilty for normal mistakes or problems that are beyond their control will come to believe that they are responsible for every negative thing that happens in a family, leading to an overwhelming sense of guilt. Excessive guilt can inhibit a child's engagement in new or autonomous behaviors for fear of offending a parent.
Helpful: "It's wrong to take something belonging to someone else without asking permission. How would you feel if your brother took something from your room without asking?"
The Have I Got A Problem website is a free online resource to help people better understand any issues or concerns they may have about mental health or addiction. The website includes resources specifically focused to; general Mental Health, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, Insecurities, Self-harm Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Anger Management, Eating Disorders, Coping, general Addiction, Alcohol, Smoking, Gambling, Drugs, Cocaine, Heroin, Marijuana (Cannabis) Ecstasy, PCP, Mephedrone, Ketamine & Crystal Meth.
The site was created to give the public information to help them understand mental health and addiction issues and to assist people in making better informed decisions about their life and personal choices.
www.haveigotaproblem.com was created and is run by 'Advising Communities’, which is a UK registered charity (Charity No. 1061055)
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Quotes
"After losing my temper I’d be in tears and apologise, but also had to say, ‘I can’t tell you it won’t happen again because I know it will’. I knew I was out of control."
Florence
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