Controlling-Parental-Anger-

Controlling Parental Anger – Part 2

Controlling Parental Anger – Part 2

Calm-Down Strategies

Tried and tested strategies to smooth out turbulent parenting waters for every parent:

Offer A Choice

Your child’s friend came over to play. You hear name-calling. "You're stupid." "You're a geek." "Well, you're a nerd." Instead of getting angry and yelling "Just stop that right now!" offer a choice: "I hear name-calling. You have a choice. Either the name-calling must stop, or your friend must go home." If you hear name-calling again, send the friend home with an apology and the hope of a better playtime together tomorrow.

Express Your Feelings

You’re exhausted from a long day at work, you walk in the door to the annoying sounds of your kids screaming "She ruined my game." "I didn't mean to; it's just a stupid old game anyway." "It's my favorite game. I hate having a little sister." Instead of blaming them by saying "You kids are making me so mad! I work hard all day and don’t need to come home to this fighting." Instead, express your feelings: "I'm crabby. I've had a terrible day. When I hear fighting, it makes me crabbier. Get a snack. I'm taking a bath."

Accept Your Child's Feelings

Your daughter is insulting her stepsister who is visiting for the weekend. Instead of saying “You're being rude and jealous" in an angry voice, accept your child's feelings by saying "I understand it's difficult to share your dad when your stepsister comes for the weekend, but I will not allow you to be rude." If the rudeness continues, send her to her bedroom for some quiet time.

State A Rule

The children's disagreement have come to blows. Rather than scream an angry threat like "That hitting must stop instantly or we’re not going to the movie!" state a rule by saying "Hitting is not allowed. Suzie, you empty the dishwasher and Michael, make your bed. We'll discuss the movie when your chores are done and you've calmed down."

Assert Your Values

Your child is attempting homework in front of the TV. Instead of nagging "Do your homework," "Do your homework or you won't get good grades," "You'd better do your homework or you won't get into college” assert your values: "Homework is more important than TV. The TV goes off until homework is done."

Cope With Your Child’s Feelings

Children's feelings of anger, jealousy, and even hatred need to be acknowledged and allowed appropriate expression. By accepting children's strong feelings, you can show them their feelings are part of normal human experience. It’s actually helpful for you to tell a child that all people feel these ways at times.

Help children learn acceptable ways to express strong feelings. When their expressions are hurtful or demeaning, redirect them. Ask your child to rephrase anger in a more acceptable manner, but allow your child the right to feel angry.

Often you must tell your child what a better or more appropriate way might be. You could say, "When you're mad at me, this is how I'd like you to tell me: 'What you said made me so angry.' Then I can listen better to your feelings and be more willing to try and work things out."

State angry feelings without accusing anyone. Parental anger is a useful tool when it is expressed in nonjudgmental language.

When you firmly state your anger, you emphasize the rules and let children know clearly and strongly how you feel.

Match Words To Feelings

Match your expressions of anger to the way you really feel. If you are only mildly annoyed say, "I'm a bit annoyed" or "This is irritating me." If you are very angry, it is more appropriate to say, "I'm very mad about this" or "This has made me very angry."

Avoid yelling and shouting; instead express your anger in a firm voice. Never expose children to hurtful anger.

It is normal for parents to feel frustrated by children. Unfortunately, though, when some parents feel this way they frequently vent their anger by saying to their children, "I could kill you for that!" or "I'll wring your neck!"

For that parent, these are empty words, spoken without forethought. But expressions such as these are damaging to a child. Even though you don't mean these statements and have absolutely no intention of carrying them out, your child, however, does not know this.

These expressions of hurtful anger should never be said by parents to children of any age.

Find other ways to vent your anger. Give safe expression to your feelings. All parents do get intensely angry at their children at times.

How can you get relief? First, make sure your child is safe and then give yourself a moment alone to allow these feelings silent expression. After thinking through the feelings or even saying them out loud to yourself or a friend privately, you will feel better. Take a deep breath and return to your child, ready to state your anger in a helpful way.

Never humiliate or degrade your child. Aim your disapproval at your child's behavior, not character. Instead of saying, "You're a rotten kid," you can say, "I don't like what you're doing right now."

Timing is important. Sometimes we plunge in too quickly to handle a situation and end up saying or doing something we wish we hadn't. Take some time before rushing into a situation. Except in a true emergency, there are always a few seconds, even minutes, to spare. Leave the room if you need to, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What do I really want to accomplish here?" After finding a positive response, go in and handle the situation.

Sometimes we don't intervene soon enough. Don't wait until your anger and the child's behavior are out of control. Go in and set the limit before the situation goes too far.

Never, Ever Hurt A Child

Children are not to be used for hitting!

Some parents say that there are times they are so angry with a child that hitting them is the only way to gain control.

Anger is a powerful emotion and it should not be used to frighten or harm children.

When expressing anger with words is just not enough, relief comes in other ways. Jump rope, play basketball, jog or take a walk, shake out rugs, scrub a floor, bang on the piano or hammer in the workshop. This can provide great relief. These activities also offer children a healthy model for dealing with their own anger.

If you feel like you have to or are going to hit your child, hit a pillow. Hitting a pillow is a therapeutic technique for letting off intense, momentary anger. Hitting children is never appropriate.

You do need to set necessary limits for children. True discipline is teaching and guiding children, relying on a variety of constructive, positive and helpful approaches. Stress the family rule: "People are not for hurting," and everyone in the household will obey it.

View as PDF

Back

The Have I Got A Problem website is a free online resource to help people better understand any issues or concerns they may have about mental health or addiction. The website includes resources specifically focused to; general Mental Health, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, Insecurities, Self-harm Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Anger Management, Eating Disorders, Coping, general Addiction, Alcohol, Smoking, Gambling, Drugs, Cocaine, Heroin, Marijuana (Cannabis) Ecstasy, PCP, Mephedrone, Ketamine & Crystal Meth.

The site was created to give the public information to help them understand mental health and addiction issues and to assist people in making better informed decisions about their life and personal choices.

www.haveigotaproblem.com was created and is run by 'Advising Communities’, which is a UK registered charity (Charity No. 1061055)

Quotes

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

Mark Twain

"I began to lose my temper every few months or so. When it happened I would think that, despite being angry, I was calm and talking rationally. But I was actually getting enraged without realising."

Florence Terry

"I began to lose my temper every few months or so. When it happened I would think that, despite being angry, I was calm and talking rationally."

Florence

"I just felt like I was getting angry at the slightest thing that anybody did, so much so that it was causing problems in my marriage."

Rosa

"There is satisfaction in getting things down on paper - seeing my anger not in damage, not in a form that was hurting anyone."

Haruhi

"When you control your anger, it can't control you."

Archie

"One minute I’d be talking with a raised voice, and the next my limbs were doing things I didn’t want them to."

Florence

"My anger blinds me. Every time I get angry I think in an irrational manner."

Anonymous

"It seems like it is impossible for me to control my gaming anger. Frankly, I turn into an animal."

Angy

"But when i get angry enough, i really lash out. I throw stuff. I punch walls. I call others foul names. I hate it. I can't stand it."

Phil

"It is like anger is controling our relationship."

Sydney

"Just every little thing sets me off, even things that ultimately don't matter."

Charlie

"Do not let your anger lead to hatred, as you will hurt yourself more than you would the other."

Stephen

"I want to learn the trigger behind my anger. Understand my emotions better before acting on them."

Jake

"I've got a bad temper, short fuse, we fight constantly. I want to be a better person."

Rick

"I have flashes of anger. I'm tired of being angry. I fear my son will hate me."

Joe

"I want to go to anger management classes and share all my angry stories with other angry people."

Anonymous

"I normally control my anger well unless I am surprised and feel like the blame is unjustified."

Matt

"If you hate people for a long time you will acquire more and more of their qualities simply because you think about them all the time."

Anonymous

"What helped me most was understanding what is it that ultimately makes me happy."

Anonymous

"Take good care of your mind, this is where happiness lives."

Anonymous

"Trying to find a solution to stop the anger is foolishness because anger is a result. The result cannot be changed. It is the cause which one needs to change."

Anonymous

"Use your body to help the mind and use your mind to help the body."

Mary

"Anger is the worst weakness of all. You should be sympathetic towards the person who becomes angry and understand that he does not have any control in this matter."

Rose

"People use anger as a form of protection. In ignorance (ignorance of one's real Self), one's protection is through anger."

Josephine

"If you truly understand how your mind works you'll understand everyone around you, anywhere in the world, at any time."

Jean

"People are more fearful of those who do not get angry as opposed to those who do. Why is that so? It is because one develops inner strength when anger ceases. This is the law of nature."

Anonymous

"You can control your anger, and you have a responsibility to do so… It can feel intimidating, but it can be energising too."

Isabel Clarke

"Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But managing anger can be a problem for many people who find it difficult to keep their anger under control."

Isabel Clarke

"Mommy's angry, and she has a right to be this way. She doesn't like what I did, but she still likes me and thinks I'm capable enough to help clean up after myself"

Hypothetical baby

"We find going into a rage is often harder on us than the child. It leaves us feeling drained."

Kristine

"I believe every mum should get the help they need. Because you don’t want your child to grow up negatively affected by your mental health issues"

Alexa

"Mike works all day ... long, hard hours. He has a successful business and works hard to keep a good relationship with his clients and employees. But 10 minutes with Annie, his four-year-old, and he becomes a rage-a-holic."

Karen

"Suddenly lightning hits, and he's screaming at her and stomping around the house. He's in a rage … slamming doors, you name it … He can’t control himself"

Karen

"Anger shrinks intimacy and keeps children at an emotional distance. It can take over your home and destroy the parent-child relationship"

Dr Goldstein

"The first time I hit my husband was about 14 years ago. I was cross with him and lost my temper. He was upset and I felt dreadful, and cried and apologised. I felt scared and ashamed, but I thought it was a one-off"

Florence

"After losing my temper I’d be in tears and apologise, but also had to say, ‘I can’t tell you it won’t happen again because I know it will’. I knew I was out of control."

Florence

"He said my outbursts weren’t a big issue, but I felt it was completely unacceptable. I felt ashamed, and didn’t talk to anyone about what was going on. It was a secret. I felt like a hypocrite. Everybody thought I was a sweet, calm person"

Florence

"One person in five has ended a relationship because of the way the other person dealt with anger"

Celia

More Send us your Quotes

Tips & Hints

Take a timeout
Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing...
Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit. Try some "new and improved" variations of counting to ten. For instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number.
More
Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying an...
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
More
Breath in, breath out
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calmin...
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga moves — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
More
Don't hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself ...
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.
More
Find a safe spot
Yelling at friends or family members, slamming doors, and breaking crockery doesn't solve any problem and frequently escalates angry si...
Yelling at friends or family members, slamming doors, and breaking crockery doesn't solve any problem and frequently escalates angry situations between people. Yet, sometimes you just need to vent. Finding a safe spot to act out your anger can relieve the majority of your stress, calming you enough to solve the real problem at hand. Go to a basement room and scream your head off! Take an empty jar to your basement and break it, (remember to sweep up when you're done). Stomp on a few aluminum cans. Throw a tennis ball at the garage wall. Buy a punching bag.
More

Take someone with you

Sometimes it is helpful to take someone else with you when you visit your therapist or doctor. The other person can remind you of quest...

Seek counsel

Therapy may be a good idea if stress leaves you feeling overwhelmed or trapped, if you worry excessively, or if you have trouble carryi...

Counting 10

Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing...

Tune in to your feelings

Note what makes you angry and why. Don't settle for pat explanations like "It's not fair." Ask yourself why you feel it's not fair, wha...

Turn on the self-control

Step back and think when you begin to feel angry.. Take a minute to define what's making you angry and what you can do to solve the pro...

Practice damage control

Choose the solution that gives you the most benefit with the least damage....

Resolve unfinished business

If your anger turns out to be more to do with the past than the present, then consider at length how to address that before, or as well...

Violence doesn't solve anything

No matter how angry you are, never resort to physical violence to deal with it. It's a natural reaction to want to take your anger out ...

Talk it out

Anger that's held inside doesn't go away on its own; sometimes the best way to deal with anger is to talk it out....

Walk away

If there is a person or situation that makes you angry, simply stay away from them. If they've made you angry before, there's a good ch...

Share your feeling with someone you trust

Do not start with the person you are angry with, as that will only create a vicious cycle of unmet expectations and increase the frustr...

Use any form of art to express yourself

Dance, sing, play a musical instrument, draw, and sculpture, write…...

Find an engaging hobby

Hobbies keep us busy and focused. Find something that will keep your mind off the things you are unhappy about....

Do any form of sport you like

Getting your energy up will flood your body with good, healing chemicals that will ease your anxiety....

Meditate

It brings lots of creativity into our life. There is much bliss in meditation. There are moments in meditation that are simply divine. ...

Learn ‘thought stopping’

This is useful when you continue to go over and over a particular episode that caused you to feel angry. Consciously stop yourself thin...

Change your thinking

Thoughts such as ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘must’, ‘have to’ are not realistic and are not helpful. You put a lot of burden on...

Don't trust your judgment when angry

Anger magnifies and amplifies only the negative aspects of an issue, distorting realistic appraisal....

Focus on improving and repairing rather than blaming

It's hard to stay angry without blaming and it's harder to blame when focused on repairing and improving....

Looking deeply

If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you will accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger an...

Stay Calm

People are caught in their suffering as if they are caught in a house on fire. When you understand the source of your suffering it can ...

Take Care

If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material co...

Your mind is like a fertile field

Everything we see, hear, and feel, plants a seed in our store consciousness. When the conditions are ripe the seeds germinate. If we pl...

Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the ...

Stick with "I" statments

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectf...

Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse....

Acceptance

Accept that you do not always have to be right. Learn acceptance of yourself and others....

Once you are calm, express your anger

As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs ...

Exercise

Reduce your general stress levels with exercise and relaxation. This in turn should help you control your anger when you need to....

Look after yourself

Make time to relax regularly, and ensure your body is healthy and balanced. Get enough sleep and avoid drugs and alcohol because they a...

Get creative

Writing, making music, dancing or painting can release tension and help reduce feelings of anger....

Talk about it

Discussing your feelings with a friend, particularly one who isn’t involved in any anger situations, can be useful, and can help you ...

Look at the way you think

“Try to let go of any unhelpful ways of thinking,” says Isabel. “Thoughts such as ‘It’s not fair,’ or ‘People like that s...

Recognise your anger signs

Your heart beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might also notice other signs, such as tension in y...

Keep your perspective

Every person has an anger button. Some parents are so anger prone that when they explode the family dog hides. Divide your children's "...

More Tips & Hints