Mental Health - COPING - Coping-with-Mental-Illness-in-the-Family

Coping with Mental Illness in the Family

Growing up in any family can be challenging at times, but there are often special problems and challenges for families in which one or several family members have a mental illness. Members of these families often have to deal with instability or unpredictability. Often there is confusion in family roles, and children or other family members may have to take over many of the adult responsibilities, such as taking care of younger brothers and sisters or managing household duties normally managed by adults. They may even have the responsibility of taking care of the emotional or physical needs of their parents. Children and other family members in these situations do not always receive the care and nurturing they need. They may feel ashamed to talk about their situation with others and consequently may withdraw from relatives or friends who could help them or support them. Often unable to articulate their needs, even to themselves, these individuals frequently feel isolated and alone.

Individuals who cope with chronic and severe mental illness in the family may also experience other difficulties outside of their family-of-origin relationships. These may include:

Relationship difficulties:

difficulty in initiating relationships, and experiencing feelings of isolation
difficulty in romantic relationships
difficulty in maintaining friendships
difficulty with trusting self and others
difficulty balancing level of intimacy (excessive dependence or excessive avoidance)
difficulty balancing taking care of self and taking care of others

Emotional difficulties:

guilt and resentment
shame or embarrassment
depression
fear of inheriting a family member’s mental illness
fear of discovery by one’s partner and friends
angry outbursts or repressed anger
inability to deal with life unless it is chaotic or in crisis
overly responsible or irresponsible in many areas of life such as commitments, money, alcohol, relationships, etc.
self-defeating thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors such as “My needs don’t matter; I’m not worth much; It’s no use trying.”
self-defeating themes involving a tendency to equate achievement with worth as a person, such as: ”Maybe I can matter if I can excel at something, be perfect in school, my job, my relationships. But if I fail, I’m worthless and it’s terrible.”

If you are experiencing any of these difficulties, you are not alone. It is helpful to recognize that these problematic feelings and behaviors helped you to cope and survive; and, during the more vulnerable years of childhood, they served a coping function. Your recognition that these patterns may limit your life choices as an adult is an important first step towards developing new and rewarding functional ways of relating.

How You Can Help Yourself

1. Acknowledge that you have a family member with a mental illness and the effects this may have on you.

Acknowledge previously unacceptable feelings such as anger, shame, guilt, etc.
Grieve the parental or familial support you never received.
remember that you are not responsible for causing your parent’s problems or for fixing his/her condition.

2. Develop new ways of taking care of yourself.

Recognize your own legitimate needs and begin taking care of them
Recognize the stressors in your life, and learn ways of managing them.
Replace negative thoughts with more positive statements: ”I am a worthwhile person. This truth does not depend on my successes or failures. My life has ups and downs, but my worth does not change.”

3. Develop new ways of relating to others.

Recognize old unhealthy family patterns of communicating, and practice new ways of relating to parents and other family members. This may include setting and enforcing new boundaries and being respectful of your own limits.
Recognize the difficulties you have with relationships, and learn new ways of relating to others.
Appreciate and enjoy stability in your relationships, recognizing that relationships don’t have to be defined by crisis or dependency.

Educate yourself about your family member’s illness

This can help you understand what your parent is facing and what has caused problems for your family. It can also aid in relieving your feelings of guilt, resentment, embarrassment, and shame.

Consider seeing a mental health professional

A counselor can help you understand how a family member’s illness affects your life, and help you explore healthy ways of caring for yourself. He or she can help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs.

Join a support group

A support group that addresses your specific situation can help reduce feelings of isolation. Seeking such support can be especially helpful when family members are either uncomfortable with or refuse to acknowledge the problem.

Quotes

"I believe some of us are more determined to stay, some of us more likely to withdraw and that it isn’t necessarily the degree of strife that makes the difference"

Gina Sangster

"With the right counselor and the right counseling techniques, I was able to learn to cope in new ways. I was able to stop my most self-destructive behaviors through their counseling and their care."

Caroline

"Do not fear the winds of adversity. Remember: A kite rises against the wind rather than with it."

Anon

"Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day"

Ann Landers

"Everyone has different ways of coping and we’re all at different stages of our personal recovery journeys."

Michelle Howieson

"It’s about accepting your mental illness and being willing to challenge your mind with coping strategies."

Tracy

"If you do not feel in control of your life, try control of something small and then work up to bigger things in your life."

Yao Li

"If is easy to make the same mistake again and again, to change the hardest part is the first step."

Nasad

"My lung cancer was discovered in November 1997. Looking back, I can see that their support was vital to my recovery."

Cynthia

"Day after day, night after night, my real self, my soul, began to emerge. I saw courage, character, and strength grow in."

Nicole

"I am constantly working or trying to maintain the status of my 'body shield' and interacting on the Internet helps with that...most of the time. But when my hull gets hit, I need to ground myself to refuel or just gain some emotional silence."

Asadora

"A coping technique I used was exposure therapy. I would put myself in stressful situations (out in public with a lot of people) for a limited amount of time and gradually built on that and stayed out longer and longer."

Liam

"Make a list of stuff you need to do, decide which order they go in and do them one by one. I found this really useful. Massive tasks are never as bad if you break them into smaller tasks."

Peter

"Do not fall into depression again as its perhaps one of the most demotivating states you could ever be in, think positive and keep on track."

Robbie

"Find some time to relax and clear your head, which will also help you feel less anxious."

Emily

"If you feel really bad, I got told to take deep breaths. Breathe in for 10secs, hold for 10secs and breathe out for 10secs. It really helps."

Jenny

"What made a difference for me was getting cognitive behaviour therapy and medication so that I could break the fear and anxiety that was holding me back and affecting my outlook."

Anonymous

"I can accept a hug now. Before there was always some kind of motive. Here it comes without a price."

Kathirena

"I was a teenager who wore black, slept a lot and cried often. I had no idea that these symptoms can signal serious depression."

Andrew

"I was lucky. If I’d turned to drugs or alcohol as a way to solve my problems, I might have been another teenage drug addict or alcoholic, and never have gotten the help I needed."

Andrew

"I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster."

Allie

"I will continue my fight for my child, I will swallow the pain and turn him in, see him in jail if that’s what it takes. I just do not want to bury my child."

Allie

"Each and every one of these “addicts” deserves the chance at recovery"

Allie

"I thought that when she got treatment our problems would be solved. Little did I know that we were just beginning the most intense journey of our lives. "

Marge

"I began to nurture my own faith that something bigger than my maternal love was going to hold her together. It was up to her to respond to recovery…or not."

Marge

"As horrible as I felt, I knew other kids would go through this stuff too, and maybe my story could help them."

Chase

"Time heals all wounds. After the initial emotions set in and you begin to deal with them, they become easier to manage."

Donna

"I was flattered when he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt so special when he told me he couldn’t live without me. Now, I see how possessive he is."

Anonymous woman

"When he called me many times a day, I felt like he was the most loving person, caring not only about me but also about who I was with and what I was doing. Now, I see how jealous he is. He didn’t trust me unless he knew where I was every moment of every d"

Anonymous woman

"He seemed so knowledgeable, so worldly. I liked that he was teaching me so much. Now, I see that he needs to give me “advice” about everything because he wants me to do things his way."

Anonymous woman

"What kind of love is this where she is miserable most of the time – crying about how he treats her, afraid of being criticized for what she did or didn't do?"

Dr Linda Sapadin

"You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete. Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were “infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him."

Dr Linda Sapadin

"It can be hard to accept your daughter is pregnant, let alone be happy about it. You might find yourself crying your heart out over this, and looking for reasons why you failed to stop it from happening"

Dr Roger Papadopoulous

"Dealing with our daughter’s addiction was by far the most difficult and the most painful thing we have had to navigate together as a couple."

Shelley

"Neither one of us could believe that one of our kids, to whom we had devoted our adult lives, would have, or could have, headed off in this direction. We lived in denial for a long time."

Shelley

"e gentle with each other. Know that we each are doing the best we can in a really difficult situation."

Shelley

"Then we snap out of our dream and see our child addicted to a drug and wonder if the future is even possible. We mourn the loss of our dream"

Brian

"These dreams were ours. That is why the pain is so great. We feel our dream slipping away. It’s such a shame we have imposed our dream upon our child and we see their addiction as a failure to achieve our dream."

Brian

"My hopes and dreams now are that I can be a better father, and that I will be regarded by some little ones as the best grandpa in the world."

Brian

"When another person is the one who has “the problem,” and you are the one lifting every stone to find the solution to his or her problem, you cannot and will not find it."

Pamela

"All is far from hopeless, however. You can and you must find answers to your own problem."

Pamela

"There is a way out. Whatever first step you decide upon, take it today. You will not regret it."

Pamela

"Every now and then we may find ourselves in a relationship that has just run its course."

Donna

"Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.”"

Marie Hartwell-Walker

"Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends"

Jane

"During a very dark time a friend told me, “Where there is life, there is hope.” I don’t know if he knew how profound those words were to me."

Harriet

"Dealing with the pain and heart break is never easy. We just have to live the days as they are set out and not live in the past."

Albert

"Life isn't always the way it's suppose to be, it's just the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference."

Anonymous

"When in doubt just take the next small step."

Anonymous

"Be someone that brings out the best in you not the stress in you…"

Louis

"The most effective way to cope with change is to help create it."

Laura

"Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person."

Henry

"Some things are not problems to be solved, they are facts to be coped with."

Jasmine

"Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

Julia

"Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life. Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on."

Brenda

More Send us your Quotes

Tips & Hints

Set Expectations
Setting expectations are a great way to ensure that a briefing runs smoothly without constant interruptions. Stating expectations at th...
Setting expectations are a great way to ensure that a briefing runs smoothly without constant interruptions. Stating expectations at the start of your team brief will help you to manage the process more effectively. For example, expectations may be set around the length of time the team brief will take, how and when questions will be taken, and when attention will be required.
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Be resourceful
Never give up or give in when faced with a challenge. Find out as much information as you can about your situation, whether that means ...
Never give up or give in when faced with a challenge. Find out as much information as you can about your situation, whether that means talking to someone who has been through it or looking it up in the yellow pages or on the internet to find resources that will help you get through the situation.
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Have a good support system
A support system can consist of friends or family or simply a group of people that are going through the same difficult situation. Reme...
A support system can consist of friends or family or simply a group of people that are going through the same difficult situation. Remember to surround yourself with love and love yourself no matter what situation occurs.
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Handle your emotions
In any and every situation that you encounter you will have emotional responses. Sometimes you may feel emotions such as hurt, sad, dis...
In any and every situation that you encounter you will have emotional responses. Sometimes you may feel emotions such as hurt, sad, disappointment, anger, frustration, shame or loneliness. You need to let yourself feel the emotions. Cry when you need to cry. Punch a pillow, yell, scream, roll around on the floor and have a temper tantrum. Let the emotions pass through you like a current and move on.
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Have a sense of humor
Learn to laugh at your situation or mistakes no matter how bad they are. Laughter is like medicine and sometimes it can be contagious. ...
Learn to laugh at your situation or mistakes no matter how bad they are. Laughter is like medicine and sometimes it can be contagious. Write a journal and record your feelings. Find a peaceful outlet such as a long walk, taking deep breaths, listening to your favorite music or watching a good movie.
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A Different Treatment?

If you are experiencing distressing side effects, ask your doctor or therapist whether a different treatment would be suitable for you....

Problem solve

Try problem-solving. Work out what you need to do now to get over what’s happened to you....

Keep calm

Try to regulate your emotions, for example by staying calm, rather than reacting violently with tears, anger or fear....

Use humour

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Be proud of surviving

Something bad happened, but you survived. Look back and try to find things about what you did or how you responded that you can be prou...

Feeling totally burned out? Retreat in solitude for a while

Take a bath, hide out in your bedroom and watch movies or read books or magazines, or go by yourself to your favorite place in nature. ...

When you're feeling down, or not yourself, listen to music

Trust your intuition to tell you what you need - soothing, classical music, upbeat, fun music, or mellow, chill-out tunes. The notes wi...

Learn to say

It's hard to say no sometimes, but recognize you can't do everything, pace yourself....

Face your difficulties

Problems have a tendency to mount quickly, until there can seem so many as to be overwhelming. Tackle them one at a time. Set achievabl...

Go ahead and make mistakes

No one's perfect. The only way we really learn is from our mistakes. Accept them as the natural process of growing in wisdom....

Call an old friend

Often, speaking to an old friend can be just what the doctor ordered. Chances are you have a lot to catch up on, and this can provide a...

Try volunteering

You may well be surprised at the effect that helping other people can have on your own condition. It is inspiring and rewarding, and ma...

Allow yourself to be less than perfect

Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail...

Socialize with positive people

Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space...

SLEEP!

Aim for 8 hours a night, and in the morning, things won’t seem quite so unmanageable. Your body will also benefit greatly from sleepi...

Get a pet

If you like animals, get yourself a pet! Dogs in particular are great for cheering people up, and forcing them to get active by walking...

Turn to friends and family members

Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones c...

Face your feelings

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avo...

Look after your physical health

The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by get...

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either

Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever...

Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s c...

Coping with separation/divorce

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these ...

Give yourself a break

Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as ...

Don’t go through problems alone

Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk...

After a breakup

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet...

More Tips & Hints

Coping with Mental Illness in the Family

How You Can Help Yourself

Educate yourself about your family member’s illness

Consider seeing a mental health professional

Join a support group

Suggested Readings

Downloads

Web Resources

Quotes

Tips & Hints

Set Expectations

Be resourceful

Have a good support system

Handle your emotions

Have a sense of humor

A Different Treatment?

Problem solve

Keep calm

Use humour

Be proud of surviving

Feeling totally burned out? Retreat in solitude for a while

When you're feeling down, or not yourself, listen to music

Learn to say

Face your difficulties

Go ahead and make mistakes

Call an old friend

Try volunteering

Allow yourself to be less than perfect

Socialize with positive people

SLEEP!

Get a pet

Turn to friends and family members

Face your feelings

Look after your physical health

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either

Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Coping with separation/divorce

Give yourself a break

Don’t go through problems alone

After a breakup

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